You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
