Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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