worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
