Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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