That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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