I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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