Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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