do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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