I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
