when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
