Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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