I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
