false alarm. still invincible.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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