i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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