She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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