so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
