Sorry, I don't speak sober.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
