Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
