I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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