Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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