I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
