trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
