I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
