woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he fucked my hip out of place.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
