The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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