4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
