If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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