you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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