I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
