remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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