Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
