She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
