I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
