So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
