no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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