I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
