2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
