What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
