i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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