i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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