You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
