I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
