Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
