Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
