there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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