i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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