apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
