He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
