I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
