can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
